Are there lesbian dating rules?
Lesbians all over the world struggle with the question of dating protocol every single day. After all, you’re two women, for goodness sake. How do you know who is supposed to wear the pants and pay for dinner? Invite you in? Go in for the kiss? The truth is, there’s no definitive answer about a lot of these things.
From the first date to a long term relationship, you have to figure things out how to make things work in your best interest. No need to fear, though. Even though there aren’t any cookie mold answers to all your questions about lesbian dating rules, there are certainly some good rules to live by.
It’s an age-old question, and one that causes all of us anxiety at some point as we look at the bill sitting on the table and wonder if we should grab it … Or let her grab it … Or offer to go halfsies?
In general, if you’ve initiated the date, offer to pay for it. After all, it was your idea. Sure, she might wave you off and insist on paying for her share. But offering is the right thing to do (and being prepared to follow up with paying is also essential.)
If your date initiated the date, do at least offer to pay for your half. Depending on your own beliefs, the way she handles that situation might have a bit more meaning to you. (i.e. If she actually lets you pay for your half, your beautiful illusion of a girl-in-shining-armor might be tarnished on the spot.
For instance, I was out with a woman once, and it came time to pay the check. I like to consider myself a pretty big tomboy, but she in this case was a little more “butch” than I was. She had asked me out, but I did offer to pay my share simply to be courteous (I wasn’t sure if I was really feeling her, if you know what I mean.) Well imagine my surprise when she actually let me do it! I went from “on the fence” to over the fence in a hurry on that one just because I felt like her decision to allow me to pay was in bad taste. (Did I ask for it? Sure. But that doesn’t mean I can’t complain!)
There are no set rules on who should initiate a date, although there will be clues if you’re the one who should be doing the asking. For instance, if yours is an old-school Butch/Femme pairing, you can bank on the fact that the Femme is most likely waiting for the Butch to make the first move. I know, life’s not fair. Men have been complaining about that one for centuries. I personally love doing the asking and feel a sense of satisfaction from making the first move.
Outside of the above, if you’re really interested in going out with a girl, just ask. It will never be considered inappropriate. Chances are, she’ll be relieved that you took the reins – especially if she’s been giving off the vibe that she’s as into you as you are into her.
Her place… Or Yours?
Again, there’s no hard and fast rule about where you might decide to crash for the night, although there are definitely some things to take into consideration. For instance, whose place is more convenient (either to where you are now… or where you need to be tomorrow morning)? Whose place is nicer (cable? hot tub? Pool?)? Whose place is more private (i.e. you won’t have to worry about her roommate popping in as you start to get into the mood)?
Then there are other questions to consider based on a well you actually know each other. Do you trust her enough to give her your address? Do you trust her enough to go into her home blindly? If you aren’t in the full trusting mode of your relationship, you may want to stick with public places. Whether you’re at a coffee shop or a hotel, people will be there to hear any cries of distress. Play it safe when you decide the best place for you to spend time together.
Over time, you may find that you always tend to hang out at one place over another. If that’s the case, just touch base once in awhile to make sure both of you are okay with that. You don’t want to offend her by always insisting on your place or never offering to invite her to your place. Similarly, you don’t want to feel obligated to always have her over or to always go to her house. If you’re close enough to be spending that much time together, you shouldn’t have a hard time having the “Your place or mine?” talk at any given point in your dating history.
Short answer? No. Meaning, don’t talk about them. Don’t whine about them. Don’t mention how good they were in bed. Don’t mention how much they broke your heart (or worse, how badly you broke their heart). When it comes to ex-girlfriends it’s best to leave them in the past where they belong.
For one, talking about your ex-girlfriend is not a turn on, as it shows you’re more hung up on your previous lover. Nobody wants to feel like they’re a replacement, a rebound, or even worse, just taking up space until you find someone who meets your past expectations. That’s just too much work for one girl to handle and it will undoubtedly lead to negative feelings.
Outside of that, it’s not a good idea to dwell on your ex because that prohibits you from finding a new squeeze. If your ex has taught you anything, it should be what you don’t want. Now is the time to focus on what you do want.
What kind of girl are you looking for, and where are you most likely to meet her? I’m not just talking about Butch versus Femme. I’m talking about lesbian activist? Corporate professional? Sporty sexpot? Granola environmentalist? Think about the qualities you’re looking for, and the things that will inspire you in a partner. You can’t possibly find the girl of your dreams if you don’t have any idea what she’s like. Hope you enjoyed this post, don’t forget to stop by next week!
What are some lesbian dating rules I missed? Let me know in the comments below!