How To Date A Closet Lesbian

It happens to all of us at some point.

You’ve found a really amazing girl: smart, funny, talented. Everything is going great until one day you’re out for a walk and she suddenly pushes you into the bushes when she sees someone she knows. Enter: the closet case.

Though it can be frustrating to date a lesbian-in-hiding, the fact remains that the choice to come out of the closet is a very personal one, and it truly bears no reflection on you or your relationship. It doesn’t mean she’s embarrassed of you. Or not that into you. Or waiting for the right girl to come along in order to pronounce to the world she’s gay. It just means that she’s not ready to show her real self to the rest of the world – though she is ready to show it to you.

While you wait for her to come into her own, here are the best things you can do for your sake, her sake, and the sake of your relationship. Here’s how to date a closet lesbian:

Be Patient

It’s not your job to force her out of the closet. Don’t be offended if she’s not ready to introduce you to her mom and dad, Uncle Tom, and her best friend from Catholic school. And don’t turn every date into a psycho-therapy session, trying to convince her it’s time to come out with who she is. You’re not her mentor, you’re her girlfriend. Know your boundaries.

Find Balance

You still need to be you. There might be times when you need to go out by yourself if she isn’t comfortable with it. That’s okay, so long as she realizes you have to be open about your sexuality, even if she isn’t.

Communicate

Just as you might be irked by her refusal to come out, she might be annoyed by your obsession with being “so lesbian.” Talk about it before things fester.

Keep Dates on the Down-low

Be willing to stay in once in awhile if you have to, even just to calm her anxiety. She’ll appreciate that you didn’t make her hang out at Lesbians ‘R’ Us.

Remember You

If time goes by and you find that the relationship truly isn’t working for you, that’s okay, too. Your feelings are just as important as hers, and if you feel you need to move on to stay true to yourself, that’s fine. It’s possible that you’re just in different stages of your lives, which happens to everyone, gay, straight, or otherwise.

If you’re really into a closet case, the best thing you can do is try to be supportive of her while keeping yourself in mind. You already know from experience that it’s not easy to come out and such a huge life step shouldn’t be taken by force or obligation. Just think of what it was like for you and everything should become a lot clearer.

Let me know what you think in the comments section below. Also, please don’t forget to “like,” “tweet,” or “share” this blog post. I’ve been blogging for only a little over a month now and I am blown away by your support. It encourages me to continue writing and hopefully providing you with valuable content. Lastly, don’t forget to check back next week for new posts from your favorite blog :)

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Comments

  1. "Emma" says

    Hi. Does anyone know how to find out if a girl is les/bi without asking?

    I am comfortable with my orientation but my religious community and my Dad doesn’t know yet. So I have to be careful who I come out to (I’m half in the closet). I used to go to a really anti-gay church and had to leave because I couldn’t take the gay-bashing from the pulpit. So I met a girl last year but I didn’t know her very well. Recently we became pretty close. She is kind and funny and nice and gorgeous and hot and we really click. To the best of my knowledge (I might be wrong) she’s never had a boyfriend and she is super friendly to me (always complimenting me and laughing at my jokes even when I don’t find them funny…) She always makes me smile and she invites me to hang-out a lot (but our schedules are kind of different right now so that’s annoying… but whenever we have the change we hang-out). I took her to the animal shelter with me to volunteer and I think I like her even more now. I would love to ask her out on an actual date but she goes to the really anti-gay church that I had to leave. So I’m worried she’s straight. I am also afraid to ask her her orientation because she has connections to MY religious community (and not all of the people in my community are supportive). She doesn’t fit any of the stereotypes but neither do I. Is there a way to tell without directly asking? I really like her, but I don’t want my community to turn on me.

  2. Confusedandyoung says

    I’ve read all of these comments and I need a bit of advice.
    When I was 14 I fell for my bestfriend(Y), we used to have a very close relationship and I loved her so much but she had a boyfriend and rejected me,I became friends with her sister because I used to hang around a lot at her house and we became distant but still used to see eachother now and again because of her sister. I didn’t come out until I was 17(by then I had tried boys and tried convincing myself that I was straight until I had an adventure with a girl). I am now 20 and last year met a girl I liked and started a relationship with her. Y had been studying in another city with her boyfriend, that summer she suddenly decided to start flirting with me again like when we were younger and then came out to me as a bisexual but in the closet (No one else knows but she had a fling with a friend she made there). Her sister and I went to a fair with her and her friend, whilst drunk she decided to grab hold of my hand and at that moment I fell for her again and had to leave my gf, because of all the guilt it was killing me. I didn’t want Y to know I had fell for her again but I still carried on with the flirting part. I haven’t seen her for a few months she’s studying again but whenever she comes back here she makes excuses to see me. Recently we had a chat about our lives and how everything was going, this year she was living with her boyfriend. She asked me what I was going to do with my life and I admited that I was scared about moving to a city to study but wanted to do it, she replied that next year she is certainly not going to live with A (I don’t know if they’re still going out I didn’t want to ask) and that if she is studying or working there we could get a flat together. I love her so much but I’m scared she will hurt me again but I just can’t get over her and don’t know if it’s a good idea we live together or not. Has anyone been through anything simular??

  3. Anonymous says

    I’m finding myself suddenly very interested in a girl I work with. She’s pinged my gaydar from the start, and lo and behold, after getting to know her better, she came out to me as bisexual! She also said that me and her ex-fiancé are the only ones who know. Based on her trust in me and the flirting that’s happening, I know she likes me. But there are issues. She says she doesn’t know if she could ever come out to her family because they are so bigoted and she fears their rejection. And her very bigoted, judgmental sister also works with us, too. Also, she said she’s “kinda-sorta” seeing a guy who we both used to work with. She admitted that he doesn’t make her happy at all and that he just occupies her time and makes her feel desirable. She then also said that maybe if her sister quit working here, she’d finally be able to come out and start dating women, and that if she ever did get to that point she wouldn’t care what her family or anyone else said. It sounds to me like she’s at a crossroads and is thinking about coming out, and that she might be considering exploring the mutual attraction we both share. But I’m terrified of getting hurt. At this point I don’t know whether to write her off completely or allow myself to get closer to her the way we have been. I lean more toward the latter, because “nothing ventured, nothing gained”. And she is my dream girl in many, many ways. But I’m thinking that I should also keep my options open and continue talking to the girls on the dating sites that have been contacting me. I’m definitely on the fence with this one. Has anyone had an experience like this that resulted in anything positive or long-lasting??

  4. hiding the true me says

    I am in my first lesbian relationship. All my life I knew I liked females, but also loved men as well. I’m so afraid to come out. My mom has a strong opinion regarding lesbian relationships. All my friends have known me as being heterosexual. I love my girlfriend so much. Unfortunately we are in a long distance relationship, but have talked about living together when time permits. I have a 2 year old son. When I visit her I feel free, I feel like I can truly be myself. I know my girlfriend feels some type of way about this. She’s been out for several years and we are both over 30. Will I ever come out….???… I’m afraid I’l die with this secret.. OMG STRESSED

  5. OpenAndClosed says

    Hey guys, so I’ve been dating a girl for almost 4 years now. She’s my first gf, but I’m not her first. When we first started dating in college it seemed like she was pretty out of the closet. But over the years she’s gotten more and more secretive and in the closet. I’m out, and hate hiding it. We recently both moved back to the city where her family is, and they don’t know about our relationship, but they do love me like another daughter. I know she is really scared to come out to them, and I don’t want to pressure her. But I feel like our relationship can’t grow while she’s still hiding it.

    We’ve even talked about getting engaged and spending our lives together. But there’s no way I would do that without her family at least knowing we’re dating. I don’t feel it would be fair for them to find out eventually that she’s gay AND engaged. I love her very much, and I want her to come out when she’s comfortable, but I don’t know how to keep myself from worrying about our relationship until then.

  6. AdviceSeeker says

    Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a long time now and I love her very much, but im out of the closet and shes in. Ive been out of the closet for a long time, even before I met her. and being with her in the closet makes me feel like im being dragged back into it. I am the type to wanna show my girlfriend off to the world, and altho I would consider myself as the “man” I don’t like being hidden from everyone. I actually hate it very much. However, ive done the right thing. I haven’t pressured her I told her I understand and I even stopped her from coming out when she was going to do it to make me happy, even tho I wanted her to so bad I knew she wasn’t ready and coming out is, like it says, a personal decision. One she has to make on her own. The biggest problem I have is she tried to fix it, by telling her parents she was in a relationship BUT with a boy and his name was Justin. So everyone thinks shes with a boy, and we live apart, two different places but when I send her things I even have to put his name on it! If anyone could offer me advice on how to handle this situation? What I should do? or if anyone has ever been in a similar situation that would be wonderful and I would very much appreciate any help…

  7. JL says

    From my point of view I was with a married woman who claimed she loved me? I took her jealous ness for 3 years. We broke up months ago. But I didn’t forget her.she was the best thing in my life even tho we didn’t get along because the issue about her coming out got brought up. I smh on everything about her she confused the shit out of me????
    We past by each other I just want to hug her. She has a look of guilt all over her face. I just
    walk away. Maybe it was best for it to end. Because she couldn’t handle it. Time has passed by at least a year but I think she really loved me. Just some advice on this please??

    • sweetie says

      I started a relationship 3 years ago with a lesbian. It has been a very sticky situation. I was married with kids and she was in a relationship with her partner of 30 yrs. In the beginning I felt guilt for what I was doing to my husband and after a few weeks I told her I couldn’t do it. But I could not help how she made me feel (and we weren’t having sex yet) and went back to her. It was a very confusing time for me. So I can relate to her. When you have lived a straight life style and fall for another woman there is a lot of mixed feelings. Plus you have the pressure of outside influences. For me I loved her enough that I didn’t care what anyone else thought. But she is in the closet.
      After 10 months with her I left my husband but it hasn’t been so easy for her since there is emotional and mental abuse. Her relationship has been over for her but her partner doesn’t want to except it. Things have been rocky between us for a while but I keep hope that her small changes at home will bring us close again.
      So with some of that history I will tell you she has made a huge impact in my life and I will never forget her or stop loving her. She has taught me things about myself that I didn’t know and I thank her for that no matter what happens between us. And I am sure you have done the same for her.

    • Darby says

      I loved a married woman for over 5-years. In the beginning it was very exciting and passionate. I felt something that I’d never felt before and it was intoxicating. But as time passed I realized that although she was the center of my world – I wasn’t even in the top 5 in her world. I made it easy for her by being discrete and available. It ended when I finally asked her if she ever planned to leave her husband and make a life with me. Her response was, “You know I don’t agree with that lifestyle”. I responded, “You used me” to which she replied, “We used one another.” I never used her-I loved her. But clearly she had used me and that was the last time we talked. The toll it took on my self esteem was painful. If they’re married, separated, in any relationship when I meet the next person – I will turn the other way. It’s not worth it to get involved with someone who isn’t available and my advice to you is to get out while you still have some respect for yourself.

  8. Ashley says

    Okay so I need some advice here, guys. I’m an out-and-proud lesbian of over four years. I’ve only dated a handfull of girls and the first girl that I dated had come out with me so it was truly comfortable. Well, wouldn’t you know it… I’ve met this perfect girl and, just recently, have asked her to be my girlfriend. Sure enough, we’re dating now and we’re so comfortablea around one another – there’s a catch though. The girl I’m dating isn’t out to anyone besides the few girls she’s been with over the years. She’s in a sorority and she’s a little bit iffy about coming out and being scrutinized (which I completely understand – because I’ve felt the same hardship) by her sisters and her school. My downfall is this: whenever she and I are on the phone her friends will ask if it’s a boy and she always says “Yes.” Now, I’m not one to whine but it does hurt quite a bit when she says that but her reasoning for it is because she doesn’t want to say “Oh, it’s Ashley” because it may look a little odd that she’s so close to a girl from back home. Another thing that bothers me a little bit is that we only live about 45 minutes from each other while she’s away at college and it’s so easy for me to go visit her on my weekends but she keeps stating to me that she’s so uneasy when I come visit because it’s difficult to keep our hands to ourselves (especially when alcohol is involved). I wish she’d believe me that I’d never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable or forced regardless of the situation. I want her to come out on her own time but even when I bring up the subject about being supportive of her it’s as if she shuts down entirely because the subject is such a sore one for her.

    I know that’s a big paragraph to read but if anyone could read some of it and shed some light on any part I’d really, truly appreciate it. I don’t want to let this girl slip through my fingers.

    • Nina says

      My advice would be give her a little bit more time by telling her that you will be there for her when ever she is ready to talk about it. Let her come to you. It can’t hurt if you try it like that..

  9. texie says

    i have a friend who will only see me at her work-which is a brief hello and hug
    she emails me and is concerned if i am out of touch-we never have even went out for
    coffee–when i told her i was going to not see her anymore it was too hard-just to say
    hi and bye–where’s the growth?
    she made it clear she wanted to see me –and has continued to email asking how i am
    she is married–and i have never told her i liked her that way–so what gives?

    • texie says

      this is more info on the situation
      this woman knows i am gay–we have known each other for 2 years
      i like her vey much and i know she likes me
      it was too hard on me to continue a friendship-based at her job-
      it is ok if i come and see her there-how she acts on an email and in person
      are 2 different things–she wrote-can’t wait to see you–when i came to see her
      she acted distant and acted like i wasn’t that important–
      so i told her i was not coming back ever-and she wrote to have me reconsider
      i dont get it–and i feel its damaging to me

      • Anonymous says

        Ok I have met this married woman
        That we had a secret relationship for a year! We known each other for 2yrs.
        She’s so in the closet.. when we first met she told me she was bisexual. Told me she has had a crush on me for the longest time. We were so close alcohol was always involved lol it was like she was so open with anything with me. Then she told me she loved me and she kissed me..I was expecting her to tell me she loves me? But I did love her back.. I was her Secret.. she never wanted her husband or her friends to know about me? It hurt alot. Then she would say she just wanted to be friends?? So I took it as is she was very confusing?? Then when I dated other girls she would get jealous and blow my phone up with such smartass texts?? My friends said she was jealous?? This went on for past the relationship.. she would tell me she loves me and lovers don’t fight..
        We argued alot.. Then her husband found out and she denied everything.. that hurt alot.. she hurt me but still looks at me when she sees me out and about.. I think she still loves me.. I still love her but I couldn’t take the arguing.. I just never got over her.. please tell what to do.. does love never die ? With all we shared we didn’t have sex I respected that. But it hurt alot on my part.

  10. love in the dark says

    I’m going out with this girl. she isn’t out to really anyone except for the people she allowed me to tell about how her and I are dating which isn’t many. I love her. I really feel she is the one. I had made a list 4 months ago on what I want in a girl and she has it all. everything she does is amazing. the way the light hits her eyes how they shine how she’s so fragile but tries to act like she’s strong. and just like I love everything about her but like her family is like I guess homophobic and well I’m her first girlfriend and her first…uh…well.. ya kno… and I know it’s her decision to come out and i’ll support her through it… but there’s a twist to this… she has a bf already… and her bf doesn’t know that she’s with me….she started going out with him first. but her fam don’t know about him either…..I don’t know what to do…. the fact that her and I have to hide our relationship and the fact that she’s cheating. on her bf with me.. It feels wrong and I don’t like it but I love her…. how do I talk to her about it? about the whole bf thing..? I know I can’t choose for her… But, I really want to know who she wants because for me I’m an out lesbian and like to show the person I’m dating off to the world… it kinda makes me physically sick when I think about her and i’s situation the bad part I mean. please? if anyone has any advise I could sure use it…. I get depressed a lot thinking about it.. I have depression… and this situation and not knowing how to talk to her about it makes me feel like cutting…(which I wont but sometimes I really want to)

    • A says

      I would tell her that it’s making you depressed seeing her with her bf still, and you would be a lot happier if she would at least break up with him. She may not have to tell her family she’s a lesbian, but she should at least break up with him if she’s going to continue seeing you. If she refuses, then find a different girlfriend. Then maybe one day she’ll regret how she treated you, but by then it will be too late. I say this because although it’s risky for her to come out and you’re being quiet with her out of consideration, you have to remember that your feelings are just as important as hers. If it was meant to be then she will take your feelings into consideration and at least break up with him. If her parents ask why, she could always say it wasn’t working out with him and that’s it. She doesn’t have to give any further details. Hope this helps!

  11. Anonymous says

    Hi, everyone. I am currently closeted but when I get a girlfriend I plan on being open about it. The problem is that my family is very homophobic and will not like the idea of me dating a girl. I don’t think I’ll want to introduce them to her or if we get that far, have them at our wedding. When I find her what should I say to her? I know if I meet an amazing woman, I’ll want to show her off, but if I bring her home once her back is turned, they’ll make fun of me and her. On the other hand, I don’t want her to feel like I’m ashamed of her. What would I do?

  12. SadGf says

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. I’m proud and comfortable with who I am. My girlfriend hasn’t dated any other girl but me, so this makes me her first girlfriend. I understand that she isn’t ready to come out and tell the whole world she is gay. This isn’t my issue. My issue is that she denies the fact that we even know each other or that we even talk! Her friends always ask who I am. She denies me and says “oh idk”. All I asked was for her to just say we’re friends. I won’t get hurt. But when she Denies that we’re even close or that she doesn’t really know me it hurts. I’m sad. But reading this really grounds me and makes me feel better.

  13. live.laugh.love. says

    Okay so I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost 9 months now. She is my first girlfriend and she made me realize that I need to be true to myself. So I have come out to my whole family except for one of my grandmas (which im coming out to her in the next couple of weeks when I finally get a day free). My girlfriend has known she is a lesbian for 3 years now and never said anything to any of her family. She finally told her mom about 4 months into us dating. It turned out good and all of my family has been okay with me so far except for one of my aunts but thats besides the point. She hasn’t told ANY of her family members except for her mom. I know I am stronger willed than she is, but I feel like she is ashamed of me or something… I’ve talked to her about telling anyone else and she says she doesn’t want to because she likes the way things are going and always says how “its not a good time right now…” I dont know what to do because on one side, I love her so much, but onthe other side, its already affecting our relationship so much. I hate being known as just her friend around everyone. And yet she expects me to take her to my prom (which im going to do anyways), and come out to my whole senior class… AT PROM… but she wont tell anyone in her family… I dont think thats fair. She doesn’t see how much this is affecting me because I dont want to force her to do anything, ya know? But at the same time she wants to avoid it forever and I dont know what to do anymore… can someone help me figure something out or give me any advice?

    • Anonymous says

      Ok as a closetted lesbian who has only told her mom (and strongly regretted it) it’s seriously not easy telling family. I come from a long line of strongly homophobic Christians and it is not an easy thing to do. She is NOT ashamed of you, I want to make that very clear, and I’m not blaming you for feeling hurt, but these are the people she’s been raised by, and I think that their opinions matter to her. Rarely does someone want to lose the love of the first ones to love them. She needs your support and your love, as much as you can give. Also, talking to her about your feelings, it’s gonna help, trust me. Be strong for her and know that none of this is your fault.

  14. Shorty says

    Hi all,
    Wonder if anyone can help me. Im 43 yrs old, yes a rather late developer… I think Ive been closeted for quite some time and Ive known and hid it. I only let myself explore my lesbian desires when i was in my mid 30’s, and even still I am still very slowly coming out of my shell. I live in the Mid East where society religion and social norms are not that gay friendly to say the least. Thats no excuse but its still a weighty burden from under which to come out of… Im happy telling my friends but not obviously showing it so it makes it harder to attract and date girls… Its ok. Ive accepted that living in the closet for a while longer maybe just the way it goes b/c I can not alienate or rather choose not to rock the boat with my conservative family – at least for now. When the time is right i.e. I do not want to put my mom into any more stress for now and she is definitely homophobic. So Ive dealt with that for now. But my issue is that Im falling for a girl who’s 26 and seems to me to be even more in the closet. I see myself in her, and I totally could be wrong i.e. she could most definitely NOT be gay but my gaydar is so strong. The problem is she definitely does not seem to know it yet. I remember that stage. I do not want to scare her or push her above and beyond her comfort level, and yet how to show her Im there for her if she wants to explore this side of her self, if it is indeed a part of her that she wants to explore even? She is very sweet and tender with me and always says very endearing loving words, which could very well be overly friendly, but we are slowly getting to know each other though we live in different cities and we both know we will be spending more time as I move there soon. Im just worried on how to act… is it ok if I feel the need to reach out and hold her hand to do so? I feel tremendous energy around her- would it be safe for me to say that? Or is that too much – should I wait on her to say something? arghhh that might take forever… She still talks about cute boys at times, but then says things like he’s like a brother… she goes out with her sis and in groups mostly… We’ve only been on one date, she invited me for drinks and since we’ve been in contact via Fb and mail…. How to play this? Thanks in advance!

  15. NoName says

    I am a open lesbian of about 3 years and been dating my girlfriend for 1 year. She is Bi and in the closet. She she has done stuff with one other girl before me. Also dated men but they all left her oor broken heart and cheated on her. But she is the first person I have had sex with or got intimate with. She never believes me when I ong. She always tells everyone she is sis nothing of it. But when I tell people I’m single when they ask me she gets all pissed. I’m confused why is it ok for her to say she is single and I can’t say it to.

    • k says

      Im in the same boat, iv been seeing a girl for 5 months, I asked her are we official and she said we are seeing each other so I said im stil officialy single then, and she says no so I said so we are in a relationship and she said why do we have to label it. When shes drunk she tells some of her friends im her gf but others shes single yet im nt single. Its hard work and hurts. Im at a crossroads with it. My gf is 33 and im 25 we only see each other once a week coz she has 2 kids that dont know shes gay so I feel like her weekend secret yet I av to akt the rest of the week like im in a relationship. Duno wat to do

  16. stuck says

    I am in a serious relationship with a woman. We are both openly gay– for the most part. She keeps her orientation a secret from only certain people, but most people who are close to her know. I am one of the most open and confident people there is. However, her wanting to keep us a secret from certain people makes me feel terrible. I love her, and I want to tell the word how happy she makes me. The person that bothers me the most is her high school best friend who now lives 700 miles away. They talk every day, all day. The fact that after a year of us being together, she still doesn’t want to tell her best friend about me… Makes me sick to my stomach. I dont know how to be supportive about it while also protecting my feelings. I feel stuck and lost because I love her so much, but being stuck in her closet makes me question how much she really loves me back. Any advice?

    • Anonymous says

      oh my god, that can not be nice at all. especially as you say they talk every day? my main guess is that because she and her friend have known each other for so long, she is finding it hard to suddenly come out with something that she really should have said years ago….
      the main advice i can give is talk to her about how you feel. she must be scared that her friend would be shocked by the fact she is gay and it could ‘ruin their friendship’ but as we all know, if her friend is not happy with it, then she isnt worth knowing. this is the sad, harsh truth. also.. ask your girlfriend what would happen if you wanted to get married one day. surely she couldnt not invite this friend, who she talks to all the time, to the wedding?

    • louise says

      oh my god, that can not be nice at all. especially as you say they talk every day? my main guess is that because she and her friend have known each other for so long, she is finding it hard to suddenly come out with something that she really should have said years ago….
      the main advice i can give is talk to her about how you feel. she must be scared that her friend would be shocked by the fact she is gay and it could ‘ruin their friendship’ but as we all know, if her friend is not happy with it, then she isnt worth knowing. this is the sad, harsh truth. also.. ask your girlfriend what would happen if you wanted to get married one day. surely she couldnt not invite this friend, who she talks to all the time, to the wedding?

      • stuck says

        Oh the wedding thing… She wants to elope. I can’t help thinking that the reason she wants to elope is because she doesn’t want to come out to her friend. I am being as patient as I can and I have told her how I feel. I just dont think she hears me or has any intention of telling her. I dont know how far its acceptable to push her. Where do I draw the line? How do I balance her feelings and mine in this situation?

  17. Box says

    My 1st instinct is to lie and to take on a persona that says “I am a Lesbian” because in my heart I know what I am attracted to, women and this is anonymous, you would never know. But I am married to a man, I have children and I care about him and them. I can’t turn off my attraction and I tend to think that I’ve made my bed, that is a conflict of its own. I often feel like, if I dated a woman it would be such a relief for me but she would feel the frustration of a closeted relationship and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I feel like I am hiding everyday of my life. I don’t want to be a player, I would never hunt women for sex, I would love to at least have lesbian friends so I can be part of that world and maybe someone close enough to tell my secrets. So how do you meet lesbians for friendship when you are in the closet?

  18. M says

    I’ve just started going out with a girl for the first time, its also the first time i’ve been out with anyone, and its like that for her too (we’re still at school). The thing is we’re both still in the closet apart from a few mutual friends (we’ve been friends since before we dated). I really like her and care about her, but i’m worried about people finding out about us… will we be able to keep our relationship a secret?

    • Box says

      Intimacy will be a problem. I am guessing there aren’t too many places for privacy so your relationship may suffer. You may give up and call it quits because it becomes too hard. Just holding hands can get you caught and the reprisals might be too much to handle. Talk to her a lot if you want to survive to a place where you will both be strong in your relationship and your sexuality.

  19. letitgo says

    If your lover does not want anyone to know they love you……they don’t. People who are unable to accept themselves are unable to accept, thus love, others anyway. They are too concerned of what others think, because they are likely engaged in judgment of others – the role reversal is terrifying. In order to be loving, we all have to take clear aim at honesty, self love and acceptance. If we can achieve this – there will be no “other” that we did not feel love for

  20. Anonymous says

    So I started dating a girl who has never been with another girl before. She’s comfortable showing affection in public and tells her friends about our relationship, but not her parents. Which isn’t a problem for me. The problems start happening in the bedroom. She’s comfortable letting me do things to her but she hasn’t tried what so ever to make any move on me sexually. She’s expressed to me that she’s nervous that I have a lot of experience and she hasn’t so I might not think she’s good. I’ve told her that I dont care about that, I just care about her. Yet she still hasn’t tried anything. What do I do?

  21. Hey hey says

    I am dating a girl for the first time. It’s the first time for me and her we have been together for over a year now and I thought things were going great but I’m very jealous but she is also. We have fought on and off for a few months now and it’s because she talks to other ppl.. No one knows that we are a couple she doesn’t want no one to know until she is 18. But two months ago she decided to tell me she wanted to be separated for a while because she wants to have a boyfriend so no one will think anything of us!! They have made out and I’m afraid she is going to have sex with him! She tells me it’s all a show that she loves me and she wants to be with me. I bought her an engagement ring that she wears everywhere but in front of her parents. She only wants to see me one day out of the week because she is spending all her time with this boyfriend and I’m not really sure what to do? Please help!!!

  22. swtcake says

    I am dating a girl who is the closet and I could understand due to her family. However, she doesn’t even tell her friends. What sucks, she cant seem to tell her friends that she is at least “seeing” someone. She claims she keeps her love life private which is not the case for me. I am happy with her but I feel something is missing. I am adjusting to her too much and she does not know why I feel insecure. With her ex gf, she wanted her gf to tell her family about their relationship because her ex’s sister was gay. But she doesn’t seem to care if I tell anyone about us. I hate her ex gf, she cheated on her with a man treated her like shit but she kept trying to make it work. Yet with me, I am total opposite and I am not getting what I want.. I guess I want out but I am afraid to leave… the more I think about it the more I realize is it worth it to be with someone who does not respect your decisions?

    • swtcake says

      I left her yesterday and I feel good. Just coz she lives in the closet it does not mean I need to live that way with her. I am not a closet person and I feel such a relieve leaving her. I want her to realize what life is like without me and living without her is weight off my shoulders. Honestly, its hard living with someone in the closet unless you are the same… I will not change myself for her needs when I have mines that she can’t fulfill… Good luck everyone

      • Anonymous says

        Wow! I am going through the same thing. Living with a girl that is not out of the closet. It’s driving me crazy but she tells me that her ex girlfriend programmed her to lie and just say they were roommates. I don’t want to hide anymore.
        Proud of you and good luck!!!

  23. confused says

    My 4 year girlfriend recently broke up with me because of lack of affection in public. I’m open to friends and family about relationship with her. I’m just not comfortable with affection holding hands and kissing in front of others. I wish i was i can’t seem to her past it and she can’t seen to understand our accept it. I don’t wanna loose her. We lost our home together because of our arguing and differences and wer both forced to move in with out ex husbands, ouch. I mud her sooo much and not happy at all i want this fixed.

  24. Anonymous says

    I’m 30 and I dated a female for 5 years. I’m a closet lesbian but I don’t know if she is a lesbian or bi but she ended things last year because she thought we were making it harder for us since we were never going to come out and tell people about us.

    I haven’t been able to move on and I don’t think I’ll ever be happy the way I was with her :(

  25. Lynn says

    Thank you for this blog. It is really helpful. I was married for 27 years and am now divorced and seeing a woman. I have been seeing her for almost a year and am deeply in love. I am very open about the relationship with everyone I know and in public but she is not. despite the fact that she came “out” more than 30 years ago, she seems to avoid introducing me to friends, etc. I often felt as if she were embarrassed by me and that perhaps it was because I was married to a man. I still think that is part but I was mystified by her lack of comfort with being a lesbian openly despite being “out” for 30 years. I am learning that she is out with other lesbians but shamed in front of everyone else. Your blog helped me to understand where to be for her (my militancy makes her uncomfortable) and that her issue are her issues. It normalized the feelings I sometimes have that I may have to move on in the future if she cannot move past shame because I someday would like to live openly and freely because that is who I am.

  26. Dating a lesbian is gud bt at sumtymz it cn realy hurt u esp wen ppl stat judging u teling both of u how cn 2girls kiss nd claim 2 b inlove. . I usd 2 gt hurt wen i hear all dat nw am usd 2 their c0mments sinces we both knw that we lov ech othr. . Da prbl says

    Mpho nd kiki in mfk

  27. Journey64 says

    Thx for this article. I’m a 48 yr old closet case. Sometimes I think I’ll never find that special someone. Is there any hope for me… (:

    • Kara says

      I am the same way. I’m 33 and found a “some-what closeted” woman who is 19 years my senior. We dated off and on for 4-5 years. Although it ultimately ended, she understood what I was and still am going through. Just be patient. You’ll find what you are looking for.

  28. Elvis says

    Found this article so useful because it helped me reflect on my last seriouse relationship with my ex and how we both felt. That was the main reason we broke up and reading this help me understand that I did right because I didn’t want to go back into the closet just to be with her. Thanks!

  29. Freestar says

    I’m currently dating a “closet girl” it’s been going on 2 years but I actually don¡t mind… We are very happy together and I understand her reasons for her to live like this, maybe if I was her I’d stay in the closet too… I just know that we love each other and she makes sure to let me know…

    • says

      It’s great to hear that she “makes sure to let you know” how much she loves you. That aspect is crucial and is probably a big reason that your relationship is successful.

  30. Nicky Cooper says

    my mom is like compeletely against lesbo/gay/bi people…. i want to come out but i dont even want to think about what she’d do if she fund out…. so yea idk what to dooo >.< HELP!!

    • Julie says

      My mom was too. I came out to her , even despite her telling me before that she would throw me out if I ever dated a girl. She didn’t end up throwing me out like she said, but told me she still loves me unconditionally even though she wasn’t overly thrilled about the “choice” I was making. Before I told my mom, I had a plan already set if it did come to me moving out. As it turned out, a lot of my family and friends would have been more than willing to let me live with them had it come to that. While my mom is still coming to terms with it all, she has gotten better. It’s not an easy thing to do, especially if you live in a conservative household and town like I did, but at least for me, it was freeing. I could finally be who I felt like I really am.

  31. Lildevil says

    Of course you’re amnorl! Coming out, acceptance, social stereotypes, dealing with this all is not that easy.Although I’m not that feminine, when I first started to come out my friends joked I needed to get it tattooed on my forehead, because I could very easily pass as straight. My girlfriend used to say I don’t trigger her gaydar even knowing I’m gay. Being a very feminine lesbian can be even more frustrating, as many people misunderstand you for a straight alley, or put your queer-ness in doubt due to the way you look. This is all rubbish, obviously.If gayness depended on appearance, alot of straight people would be gay and the opposite, so we can happily forget about all this you have to look gay to be gay . The passage from being a proud gay rights supporter to coming out is not easy as well. It’s different to support gays and their rights as a alley or as a gay yourself. Assuming you totally accept yourself for what you are(do you?), maybe the fear of the opinion of the outer world stops you. I will give my example (real examples tend to be good in these situations).I am now out to all the people that matter to me: my friends, my parents, my brother. Also I am out at university and with new people, if the situation requires it. However, I am often bugged by the idea that some of the people I will meet in my life will disapprove or disrespect me for it, even when I like them. If I were still closeted that problem would never exist. My future employer, that maybe won’t fire me but won’t like me, some friend’s parent, friends’ friends, coworkers, the neightbours. We tell ourselves that our loved ones’ opinion is the only opinion that matters, but it’s not that simple, is it? The looks of people in the streets, of people that surround us in our life, it can hurt.Society can influence us alot in our feelings and decisions, it can be harsh on minorities and force us in a closet we don’t fit in. It can make us think that we are wrong, innatural, and then we become the major enemy of ourselves. There is nothing weird with your feelings, different individuals experience this particular situation in very different ways, and it’s fine. You just need to find your own way out, even out of the closet, if that’s what you need/want. Take it easy, nobody is after you, it’s a delicate matter. My advice is to take it slow. Reflect about it carefully, but don’t get obsessed with it or your anxiety will rise. Do what you feel, gradually, there’s no rush. You are okay, just the way you are. You will be fine ps. Well done about the aids ribbons and the support to gay rights! Too little gays (and even straight alleis) care about that! Be proud of yourself!

  32. B.B says

    If you’re dating someone who was born female but is now male, wouldn’t it be considered a straight relationship? I personally don’t think that it’s gross, it’s just that from what I’ve learned of people who change their physical gender, they consider themselves to be whatever gender they are changed to inside and out. So if your boyfriend-who-was-once-a-girlfriend were to hear that someone was calling him a woman, wouldn’t he be offended? Please don’t think that I’m being hostile, I am probably ignorant to many things in the f2m/m2f world, and I also don’t know your boyfriend. He may still consider himself to be a woman in some ways.

    I hope this helps and again, please don’t take offense at anything that I might have said in ignorance.

  33. Lala says

    How about a blog for a lesbian dating a f2m trans some think its gross I dont maybe you can bring a different perspective or about younger and older im 22 and my man is 53 who is a f2m

    • says

      Hmm… I have no personal experience whatsoever in both categories. But I’d be interested in finding someone that can cover those topics for you. Sorry I can’t be of much help at the moment :P

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