It happens to all of us at some point.
You’ve found a really amazing girl: smart, funny, talented. Everything is going great until one day you’re out for a walk and she suddenly pushes you into the bushes when she sees someone she knows. Enter: the closet case.
Though it can be frustrating to date a lesbian-in-hiding, the fact remains that the choice to come out of the closet is a very personal one, and it truly bears no reflection on you or your relationship. It doesn’t mean she’s embarrassed of you. Or not that into you. Or waiting for the right girl to come along in order to pronounce to the world she’s gay. It just means that she’s not ready to show her real self to the rest of the world – though she is ready to show it to you.
While you wait for her to come into her own, here are the best things you can do for your sake, her sake, and the sake of your relationship. Here’s how to date a closet lesbian:
It’s not your job to force her out of the closet. Don’t be offended if she’s not ready to introduce you to her mom and dad, Uncle Tom, and her best friend from Catholic school. And don’t turn every date into a psycho-therapy session, trying to convince her it’s time to come out with who she is. You’re not her mentor, you’re her girlfriend. Know your boundaries.
You still need to be you. There might be times when you need to go out by yourself if she isn’t comfortable with it. That’s okay, so long as she realizes you have to be open about your sexuality, even if she isn’t.
Just as you might be irked by her refusal to come out, she might be annoyed by your obsession with being “so lesbian.” Talk about it before things fester.
Keep Dates on the Down-low
Be willing to stay in once in awhile if you have to, even just to calm her anxiety. She’ll appreciate that you didn’t make her hang out at Lesbians ‘R’ Us.
If time goes by and you find that the relationship truly isn’t working for you, that’s okay, too. Your feelings are just as important as hers, and if you feel you need to move on to stay true to yourself, that’s fine. It’s possible that you’re just in different stages of your lives, which happens to everyone, gay, straight, or otherwise.
If you’re really into a closet case, the best thing you can do is try to be supportive of her while keeping yourself in mind. You already know from experience that it’s not easy to come out and such a huge life step shouldn’t be taken by force or obligation. Just think of what it was like for you and everything should become a lot clearer.
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