How To Deal With Jealousy in a Lesbian Relationship

Women are emotional (and hopelessly insecure) creatures. Okay, maybe that’s just me… and practically every other woman – gay, straight, or bi – that I’ve ever encountered. Regardless, the issue of jealousy seems to pop up like crazy in lesbian relationships, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we’re all… women.

Think about it: we tend to be friends with our exes. We tend to make out with our friends. We tend to run in really small circles. And we tend to shack up before we’ve really defined our relationships or given them a chance to take form. It’s no wonder we have issues with getting a little green. Obviously this is a huge generalization as I am not actually friends with my ex nor do I make out with my friends. But I know plenty of girls who do and although I may be stereotyping, most of the times, it’s true.

Unfortunately, many relationships between women end due to jealousy. And no matter how many times you can learn from that mistake, it’s really easy to keep making it (especially when your exes are really hot). Take it from me: it’s easier to fix this problem before it starts if you can.

Always Be Honest

How do you keep the Green Eyed Monster out of your relationship? For starters, be honest with each other. You could lie to your girlfriend about something as innocent as forgetting to take out the trash and suddenly see your relationship spin out of control. From her point of view, if she’s caught you in one lie it’s only natural for her to wonder what else you’ve been lying about. Where did you really go last night? Were you really all that surprised when you bumped into your ex at that restaurant? How long did you spend in the bathroom that night? What were you doing? Who were you doing? As you can see, it’s easy to let one simple thought spiral into a never ending circle of suspicion.

Trust One Another

Another way to stay away from jealousy issues is to build some genuine trust. If you can’t trust each other, how can you expect to stay in a relationship? Whether you’re talking about a friend, a family member, or a girlfriend, a true relationship cannot exist without trust. So when you enter a new relationship, try not to let past experiences keep you from trusting anyone. Sure, you should always be on guard and pay attention to the things that are staring you in the face. Just try not to get too caught up by figments of your imagination.

Be the FRIEND in Girlfriend

Finally, you can take some of the jealousy out of your relationship by acting as your title implies you should. Be her girlFRIEND. You trust your friends no matter what they might have done in the past. You don’t think they’re stealing from you, macking on your hottie, or otherwise trying to rain on your parade.

[testimonial1_arial author=”-Erica Jong”]“Jealously is all the fun you think they had.”[/testimonial1_arial]

Give your girlfriend the same courtesy you would give your general friends. Let her live her own life while still playing a major role in yours. Let her talk to another girl without automatically assuming there will be wedding bells in their future. Let her live as if she is – gasp – a person rather than just your girlfriend.

If you can treat each other with those general ideas and principles, you’ll see a rapid decline in your jealousy meters. Does that mean you’ll never be jealous again? Heck no. It just means that you’ll be able to stay in a relationship together without always being on the lookout for evil-doing bitches who have nothing better to do than ruin your life.

If you would like extra guidance... I HIGHLY recommend that you grab yourself a copy of The Lesbian Lifestyle Book. It is the only guide you will ever need as a lesbian or bisexual woman.

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  1. Mary W. Mitchell says

    I was in a 10-month relationship. We have a 13 year age difference. My problem with her (we are no longer in a relationship) is she was in contact with her ex’s. I never felt I had a real chance with her. One person she said wasn’t a girlfriend just for sex and she would sneak over her house. A month into our relationship the woman called her early one morning and the lies began. She recently contacted an ex from eight years ago because she was mad with me and told her we broke up, but never informed me. I decide I needed to leave her alone. Working through a heartbreak, but I feel a relief from her. My advice if there are ex’s run fast you will never have a true relationship.

  2. Anonymous says

    My girlfriend has a boyfriend too,,i knew it since then…she has her boyfriend long before we met,…we became friends but we crossed the boundary.and it was clear to us that were more than friends.,,and now that were treating each other as lovers, i got jealous with her boyfriend, she loves her boyfriend,,she says that she loves me too,,,her boyfriend loves her,,and i love her too,,,sometimes i feel that i should let her go,,,but i cant…what do i do.?

    • ssssssssgirl says

      Hey, I can relate to your situation 100%. In my case, I was the girl with the boyfriend. I fell in love with my current girlfriend but still loved my bf deeply… Trust me, your girlfriend is in a very difficult position, and I do suggest giving her time. BUT don’t be a doormat… Eventually she needs to choose one person otherwise you’re always going to be the piece on the side. I left my boyfriend (of 5 years!!) to be with my current girlfriend because I love her and felt awful leading a double life and playing with peoples feelings. I hope it all works out for you! :)

    • elena says

      Well, darling I was in the same situation, maybe a little bit worse. I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I loved both of them. I never thought to give up of one of them, I couldn’t neither imagine it. Then suddenly, i created another relationship with a girl, so the situation was that I had a boyfriend and two girlfriends. When this new girl came into my life, i suddenly left my first girlfriend and after a while I left my boyfriend too, and I am living with this “new” girlfriend and we are very happy together. All that I can say, from my experience, is that only if you have respect for yourself (like my girl i love now) only that way you can make the others to respect you. Let her go, if she loves you she will be with you and will let her boyfriend. If she don’t love you or loves more her boyfriend then he deserves her, and you must find someone who is only for you.wish you g.luck.

  3. shell says

    Thank you thank you thank you!!!

    I can’t stress how much this forum has helped me.
    I have had all these questions pop in my head and no answers or other peoples advice on things until now. It makes me feel so much better knowing that these issues aren’t just in my head or thinking that I’m a crazy girlfriend.

    Sometimes I just need reassurance on these things as this is my first committed lesbian relationship, good to know that there are actually people who are real lesbians talking about these sorts of things.


  4. im a cancer woman and shes a leo,we've known eachother forr 11 years bt lost contact for a few however.when i finally heard from her over facebook,i was over the moon to see her again,we've been together now for almost a year in March,i love her so much,b says


  5. Joleen says

    My gf is driving me nuts…. She is my first gf and been together for 3 years. Out of the 3 years she has accused me of guys! Come on now….. I’m straight eater now and loving it! Anyways… Her insecurities are so tremendous that I just don’t want to deal with her BS, some times she makes me want to cheat on her for another girl off course. I have to follow her to the restroom, she has to follow me. Everything i’m doing is screwing with someone else. I need help! she is driving me insane. I love her so much but soon it will die… Any suggestions?

  6. kerri says

    im really jelious I love her but my expectatioin of her being bisexual n me being completely lesbian I cant handle so our surrounding r different in that aspect but I am takin day by day n maybe were for eachother maybe were not but sometimes it does pay to just not care n get over jeliousy

  7. KCC says

    Jealousy is a buzz kill in so many ways I don’t know what to do about how I feel. My wife is so jealous and for no reason. I am completely transparent, she has passwords, email access, my phone, watches my cell phone log including text msgs and has my phone GPS on where she can track me. My friends say it’s because I’m beautiful. Sometimes I wish I were ugly as hell then maybe she wouldn’t care so much. She showers me with love then then tears it down as soon as she starts in with me. She blames it on the past and I understand that someone else cheated but that’s not me. I love her more than anything, more than anyone but she is blind to that. I spoil her rotten, taking her lunch daily (home cooked) to her work place. She wants for nothing and I like that so when do I have time to cheat? She says it’s the other people she doesn’t trust but that’s not entirely true since it takes 2 to tango. Since I’m not dancin’ with anyone else but her help me figure this thing out!!

    • Sohee says

      As one who peers out of my upstairs widnow at the afore-mentioned residence, I can attest there is no evidence of anything other than what Cassie has stated. Nor has any reason been given during our mutual bouts with Tequilla Rose.

    • Jackie says

      Hi Joni, I’ll be 50 and my partner is 41 , we’ve been together for 9 years until November 1, 2013 because her ex’s became her best friends , ex’s that many years ago almost caused her death. Jealousy? I don’t know…but they won and she lost. It’s about morals and integrity. To me a little jealousy is not bad, the extreme and the constant jealousy can push the one you most Love to the brinks of hell and that’s not only partners but also as a parent and a friend. Hope this helped you.

    • Byby says

      Who is to say whether her legannis are concrete or fluid. If she’s been trying to dialog with you, it might be worth the effort to gently feel her out and ask if she’d reconsider dating you. But be aware she will just as likely turn you down.Personal experience.

  8. Sylvia says

    Hey but it is true if you really practices those in a daikly basis and make it the bible in your relation it really work!!!! we´ve been doing it for 5 years since we got married!!! thank you for remind me some detailes that i´ve forgotten!!!! keep on doing this, you are doing a good job!!!!

  9. Leesa says

    I hope my ex gf reads this! In fact I will send it to her… :)
    Now I have to go cause I keep looking over my shoulder and waiting to be asked who am I talking to on my Fone. Lol

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